Lied. Used. Cheated on. When will I stop crying?

Who Terry really is. I started seeing Terry September of 2002. There were several times we broke up and I could see how he would lie and manipulate to get back together. My weakness….evidently I just wanted someone to love me and treat me nice. I mostly loved the way he loved me. Anyway, years, lies and who knows what else later, In June 2008 he lost his job but pretended that he was working everyday. When we talked in the evenings I would ask how was work? How was you day? He was still driving up to see me on the weekends and when he couldn’t, I drove there. I never had a clue. (I had moved hours away in 2005 to take care of a daughter) In November of 2008 we talked about living together and getting married. (Part of his manipulation, needed a job and a place to live). So he found the job in December, gave his two weeks notice (wink wink) to start on January 8th 2009. He moved in started his new job and we were happy. We were going back to his town on weekends to clean his disgusting home. One weekend in late January AFTER I told everyone that we were getting married and gave the date, the lady that was going to rent came by while Terry was taking his son home. She talked about moving in and said “I’m glad he finally found work”. I said he just left his old job a few weeks ago, and she said no, it was months (she was a friend of his mom’s). So I confronted Terry and he finally said, yes he had lost his job right before Thanksgiving (lie again). I didn’t believe him so I did my own investigation and found out it had been since June. 7 Months!!! 7 Months he lied to me. I told him if I had known he had been lying to me all that time his *** would not have moved in. He cried and promised to never lie to me again. It was hard to get over that because I was so mad and hurt that he lied at all, but for so long. Here we were supposed to be getting married. You don’t lie to the one you love and that you are suppose to share your entire life with, good or bad. It was hard. So it’s February, he’s with me,he begged for my forgiveness and I gave it to him. I didn’t want to look like an idiot to anyone, so I didn’t tell. I didn’t want people to know that he lied to me and used me to move in. The using part is….he was there for 9 months. He did not pay a dime. I felt sorry for him at first because I knew he didn’t work in months and figured he had some catching up to do. But 9 months??? I was paying $1000 a month for rent/elec (and yes I’ve done by myself) but I thought he should pay at least half. I would have loved to move in with him and pocketed $1000 a month for 9 months. So I felt very used. I could not marry him in September of 2009 because he lied to me for so long and then I just felt used. Since I had already paid $750.00 for us to go to Vegas, I waited until we got back to ask him to move out. And to be perfectly honest, I must say right before we went to Vegas he gave me $300.00. So there – he did pay for almost half the Vegas trip. So he moved out in October. It wasn’t long until we were back seeing each other, the same month. He’s so good at getting me back and evidently I am a weak person. So we have been back seeing each other for about 1 year and 4 months. We say I love you to each other. We went places together, i.e., concerts, Casino’s for weekend, cruise. He told me he loved me EVERYDAY – not a day passed that I did not hear I love you. We never in those 8 ½ years had a fight. I have never use a foul word to this man. This was the most loving man I knew. He called me “My love”, he called me beautiful he made me feel so loved. Last Sunday (March 13th) my grandson went to the hospital in the town where Terry lived (we were living 30 miles apart). Since they admitted him I took my daughter some clothes and more things for the baby. He was going to stay with me that night but was too tired so he was going to come stay with me the next night. (We spent several nights a week together and every other weekend when he went to visit his son). We had spoken earlier and he knew the baby was there and said call later and let him know about the baby. Anyway, I got to the hospital and took my daughter to get something to eat. While out I was calling Terry because it was 11:30 at night and I wanted to just stay with him instead of driving back to my home. So I drove other there (like 5 minutes away) Before I got to the door anther woman came out. I just immediately started walking back to my car. She said “is this why I have to leave so quick, is she waiting on you?” And I said, I was. She said **** you Terry and I said yeah, **** you Terry. She said I have been seeing him for over a year what about you, and I said 8 years. I got in my car and left. I have never been so hurt in my life. I cannot stop crying. I’m emotionally drained. I feel like the biggest ******* idiot in the world!! When will it stop. God, I beg of you, make it stop.